For most of my life I wanted to live on the coast, near crashing waves, where the air smelled like salt and ocean, and the energy felt relaxing yet powerful at the same time.
I am drawn to the life force of the ocean, definitely not a lake or river. It always had to be the ocean. There had been no other place where I could feel grounded, perfect, complete, and at peace, so I thought…
I always believed that there was a piece of me missing because I did not live near the water. The thought of this made me feel as if I was deprived of something my whole life.
I dreamed of beach houses and walking with my bare feet on the sand every day.
I longed for the sound of waves crashing on the beach and making that sweet fluttery sound as they drifted back into the sea over the pebbles.
The idea of blue sky and warm sun on my face all year long was exhilarating yet depressing at the same time knowing it was not my reality.
I wanted a life near the water, on a boat, close to the wild ocean creatures.
That slightly changed when I was diagnosed with melanoma, the dis-ease from the sun. For a couple of years I lived in fear of the sun and it’s golden rays. I missed many opportunities to play outside, to go where my heart longed to be. Much time was spent inside. It was like a little prison while everyone else enjoyed beautiful sunny days (out here in Portland, Oregon they are far and few between until July-September but treasured as much as life itself in our rainy city).
My dream, my deepest desire, my girlhood wishes to have a house on a sunny beach forever shifted the moment I was told I had melanoma. This was a wake up call in infinite ways. I gave up that dream and worked toward focusing on others. I felt sad. Letting go of this dream was like giving up a friend.
That was almost 8 years ago. A part of me had been feeling sad every since until last week. And what I love most about the revelation that I had was that it came from my husband and his wise and very surprisingly compassionate words. We were on our 5th wedding anniversary vacation in Maui (one of my dream trips as you can understand why). I was sharing with him how I always wanted to live somewhere like this and was sad that I couldn’t. It was funny that I was thinking the whole trip how nice it was but that deep down I wouldn’t have been happy living there. Ray looked at me and said, “It isn’t where you live. It’s what you have here (pointing to his heart) that makes you happy and feeling fulfilled.”
Wow. From my computer geek husband who hardly ever talks about feelings or his heart. He is loving but in a different way. I was flabbergasted by the words and who they were coming from and the power of their resonance with my soul.
I will always remember Maui as the place where my lost dream transitioned into a beautiful memory and where I truly heard the voice of reason-It isn’t where you live. It is what lives in your heart.
Amen
May you find beauty, love, and happiness in your heart and learn to understand that wherever your heart is is home.
Love,
Darlene